How Bernie Sanders Fans Should React to Bernie Criticism

It’s almost nine months until Hillary Clinton beats Marco Rubio 301 electoral votes to 237, and the American people are in a frenzy pretending like they still live in a representative democracy and it’s not all fixed by the Bilderbergers and Queen Beatrix of Holland.

One of the biggest make-believe issues Democrats are dutifully occupying themselves with is the divide between Bernie “Feel the Bern” Sanders supporters and Hillary “Feel the Begrudging Acceptance of Her Corporate Conservative Underpinnings” Clinton supporters.

See, for most Clinton fans, Bernie Sanders says a lot of great things, but he’s basically a more discombobulated version of Doc from “Back To The Future”– and we’re worried if he *does* go into the future, he may fuck something up and Biff Tannen/Donald Trump will gain power and destroy all joy. Plus, he’s got a major case of DE OLDZ.

>BERNIE SANDERS SO OLD, HIS SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WAS ISSUED A REALLY LONG TIME AGO.<

For Sanders fans, Clinton is a corporatist flip-flopping panderer/ultimate political insider whose home address is: 

123 Up Wall Street’s Butt and Around the Corner NOMNOMNOM YUMMY YUMM

New York, New York, 10001

Sending this divide into overdrive are the recent polls that show Clinton’s lead over Sanders is crumbling. Because of this threat, DNC chair and former Clinton campaign chief Debbie Wasserman Schultz clearly held a meeting, and now all sorts of strategic Sanders hit pieces are popping up to Shut That Shit Down. Bernie fans are going into overdrive defending Grandpa Bernie and his “Bern It All Down” plan by living up to their reputation of being bully-ish and obnoxious on the Facebooks.

Bernie fans, here’s your complete guide to not coming off like a jagoff every time someone criticizes your dude.

Attack: “Bernie has no way to pay for Medicare-for-all.”

Proper Response: Realize they’re probably right. But also, you’re never going to pry this person away from 69-ing status quo. So instead, go for a walk.

Attack: “Bernie will be unable to get anything done as president because his agenda is too progressive.”

Proper Response: Instead of posting 20 aggressive paragraphs reminding this person that the GOP hates Hillary Clinton more than gays, immigrants and Obama combined, and thus will make her presidency an ungodly gridlocked hell that will make Obama’s dealings with his GOP Congress look like The Polyphonic Spree covered “I Want To By The World A Coke,” go for a walk. 

Attack: “Bernie supporters are often aggressive and annoying.”

Proper Response: Realize this is true and that posting six articles about all the people the Clintons have had killed isn’t going to help. Go outside and walk.

Attack: “You know, a lot of attacks on Clinton seem pretty sexist.”

Proper Response: Realize this is also true and that you (a white, straight guy with one Ellie Goulding song on your Spotify) are not going to convince anyone they’re not sexist. Walk somewhere.

Attack: “Bernie would do more good staying as 1/100th of the Senate where Democrats are in the minority.” 

Proper Response: Realize it’s all a sham and that anyone who actually tries to fundamentally change the country is usually killed (hi, JFK!) and anyone that Queen Beatrix of Holland, the heads of Wall Street and the King of Saudi Arabia doesn’t want as the US president won’t become the US president, because it’s all a lie; and also, Democrats and Republicans are two heads on the same snake controlled by the same snake charmer; the economy is collapsing and we’re all going to die and get gay-married inside FEMA camps soon; politics are fake; the stock market is fake; “Dance Moms” is fake; Kate Winslet seems like she’s really fake sometimes; money is an illusion; every pro sports game is fixed; “Fuller House” will be disappointing and won’t bring back your childhood; chemtrails are making us depressed, so we will listen to Adele; World War 3 is almost here; the CIA created terrorism so defense contractor CEOs could buy bigger yachts; everyone’s getting nuked; Netflix will probably raise prices soon; and there’s nothing anyone can do to change any of it. Except go outside a take a little walk. 

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You can probably find John Loos (@johnlooswins) outside walking or else at the Apple store changing all the tablet backgrounds to pictures of Judith Light.