Kelly welcomes Dr. Kathleen Smith back to the podcast. Dr. Smith is a licensed therapist and associate faculty member of the Bowen Center for Study of the Family. She is the author of “Everything Isn’t Terrible.” Her new book is called “True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself.”  

You write in the book that humans are master pretenders, how so? 

“It’s so hard to tell how mature we are, how smart we are, how capable we are, because we are very good at pretending we’re very mature or very capable, or the opposite right? And there are any number of things sort of buoying us up or bringing us down at any given moment. And that, to me, that’s both a comforting statement and kind of a sobering one as well. Because our relationships with each other have a lot to do with our own functioning.” 

I only think it’s since I’ve become older that I understand what I thought my family dynamic was, was only a small percentage of what was actually going on. 

“I was having a conversation with my husband yesterday about family secrets, and how it’s hard to tell whether your family is a family who has secrets or not, right? Because how would you know? Right? I think there’s a lot these days – like DNA tests and everything – it’s a little bit harder to keep secrets than it used to be. And something I am continually fascinated by as a therapist is just when people start to uncover these things. I mean, it’s just wild and endlessly entertaining, and they had no idea. I think once you get curious, you’re really along for the ride.” 

I think we also get stuck in the complaint that our family was dysfunctional when I don’t know that I’ve ever met someone who didn’t have a level of dysfunction in there family. 

“I think we also have to be open and honest with what the purpose of the family is. People use the word support a lot – that your family is there to support you and be there for you, whatever you choose, right? And that’s great if you have that. That’s fantastic. But I think the family is also for playing ball a little bit. And a person can kind of take that up, I think. That goes along with improv, too. That’s where people start to have fun with the characters you’re given, you know. That doesn’t mean that you sign up for everything, or you put up with everything. But how is that a different way of thinking about it? Then I’m going to share my feelings, and people need to respond in a particular way to them.”