Career Aptitude Test Results for Failed Presidential Candidates

Now that the 2016 party nominees are (presumptively) set, the wannabes must turn to other careers. Luckily, a taxpayer-funded career aptitude test matched them with jobs based on their responses to a series of personality and head shape assessments—wait, you knew about that, right?

Here are some of the results:

Ted Cruz

A habitual liar with a triangular face is enterprising. He would do well to market busted wicker rockers at gently used prices to pistol-packers practicing their Second Amendment right to eat hot dogs at an alarming rate. He is good a creating and implementing sophisticated processes that allow for denying amnesty to those seeking to return without two forms of identification and a dated sales receipt.

Hobbies include: Head nodding, impressions that confuse President Obama with Lil Jon

Career choices: Auctioneer, Wal-Mart Garden Center associate, speaker at the 2016 GOP convention

Jeb Bush

One who can’t catch a break—or a fifth delegate—is perseverant. This is often expressed through a firm commitment to communicating that, unfortunately, there are no more available parking spaces for this Toby Keith concert. He is also likely to exhibit great composure when being condemned for running out of the appropriate change of address form.

Hobbies include: Existing and being okay with it.

Career choices: Parking attendant, DMV clerk

Ben Carson

A brain surgeon who endures frequent comas is popular among women and stay-at-home step-dads 37 and older. He is reflective and prone to revealing dark secrets about a violent past while blinking profusely. He is also reliable and can be counted on to make a compelling case for a flat tax system on cue.

Hobbies include: Irony, blessing a Thanksgiving meal

Career choices: Soap opera regular, syndicated corpse

Marco Rubio

A man with a hairline manufactured by the Walt Disney Company. His ideas have a broad range of applications, like securing the border to deter illegal immigrants who do not have the appropriate Park Hopper pass—while communicating in a firm yet inviting monotone.

Hobbies include: Repetitively emphasizing the importance of antiquated moral values to a limited number of rotating guests

Career choices: Playing “Teenage Son” in Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress attraction

Bernie Sanders

A Democratic socialist who is persistent in the face of adversity will continue to capture the millennial vote for the Kids’ Choice Award for his breakout role as “Grandpa Boris” in the live action Rugrats saga. He’ll be spoken of in Chipotles across America, long celebrated as the one who broke barriers to help Hot Topic reach its quarterly sales goal. He’ll make certain that this country forever Berns.

Hobbies include: Printing and filing a screenshot of his IMDB page

Career choices: Being an Urban Dictionary entry

Chris Christie

Curvy Election Year Ken, this year’s sweatiest campaign companion, puts his best face forward for his party and comes complete with his very own white flag and cheese stick.  He’s also backed by a warranty: bend him forward and backward, side to side, and he’ll still be the imperfect fit for any cabinet. Guaranteed.

Hobbies include: Playing fetch

Career choices: 2016 Toy of the Year

Carly Fiorina

A person with a passion for smear campaigns and the ability to orchestrate a heist is key in an 11-year-old’s summer writing project about a woman posing as a kindergarten teacher in order to acquire the school’s expired dairy products to sell to her loud neighbors. She adapts quickly to new surroundings and jumps at the sight of a challenge. She’ll fall—but she doesn’t need and won’t receive any help getting back up.

Hobbies include: Driving her 2012 Honda Civic, probably

Career choices: Lead vocals on Halloween sound effects albums

Martin O’Malley

A white male with no mainstream media record of exploitation is not of this planet and must be evacuated immediately on the first spaceship home.

Hobbies include: Entering and exiting in an orderly fashion

Career choices: Specimen #02116

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Molly Collins (@mollyc23) is a comedy writer based in South Carolina. She studies comedy writing with The Second City Training Center and has performed improv at Alchemy Comedy Theater in Greenville, SC.