7 Motherf*#&ers Acting Like They Forgot About Dre

With Dr. Dre poised to drop his first album in over a decade and a half, now is a good time to take stock and assess which motherfuckers are acting like they forgot about Dre.

1. Shelly Butler – 47, Crescent City, CA

Shelly is a mother of two and a high school administrator. She remembers Dre. She bought her Sam “Beats” headphones for his birthday. Why is Shelly fronting like she forgot?

2. Paul Matheson – 92, Boston, MA

Paul was a first lieutenant in America’s WW2 push through Italy and was decorated for his actions in helping move the Bernhardt line. He remembers the face of every man he served with, but not Dre? Bullshit, motherfucker.

3. Tim Cook – 54, Cupertino, CA

When Steve Jobs passed away, Tim Cook was left in the unenviable position of trying to fill the tech titan’s shoes. With the Apple Watch seeming more and more to be a failure, it’s becoming clear that he should have spent more time thinking about product functionality and less time thinking about Dre, which he’s totally doing all the time, even if he won’t fess up.

4. Trey Paulson – 19, Broken Bow, NE

Trey has been in a coma for weeks following an accident on his ATV. He’s stable, but there’s no telling when he’ll come out of it. Maybe if we talk to him. About Dre. Because he hasn’t mentioned Dre once since falling into his coma. Which is the same as lying about not remembering Dre.

5. Tamika Jordan – 4, Denver, CO

Tamika is just at that age when kids lie. She’ll grow out of it.

6. Jessica Johnson – 23, Tucson, AZ

Jessica has been in the bathroom getting ready and listening to Taylor Swift for a while now. Should someone check on her? Should someone remind her about Dre?

7. Dr. Dre – 50, Los Angeles, CA

A monarch butterfly was passing by and lighted on his knuckle. And just for a second, that was everything. Just that sensation. Just that moment. No self. No Dre. No fear. Then it all came crashing back. Motherfucker. 

James Freetly performs with Snapdragon every Saturday night in the DeMaat as part of the Severn Darden Graduate Program. He makes up spooky tales with The Improvised Twilight Zone Wednesdays at the Annoyance and spooky tweets @JHFreetly.