Everything I Know About Being a Perv I Learned from the Duggars

God bless the Duggars. In the Magic: The Gathering game of life, they have the ultimate trump card, and they play it all the time: the Jesus card.

With the Jesus card, you win every argument. Kill your family with a shotgun? Oh, I just didn’t fully understand the life and teachings of a dude who may have lived 2,000 years ago, and now I do, so hello, Heaven!

The Duggars have taught me so much that I don’t know where to begin (besides Genesis 1:1! ROFL!). America’s Most Christian Family has taught me that sheltering yourself and your family from society is not at all dangerous. That you can still get pregnant even with crispy-fried bangs and a vagina that drags on the floor. That molesting your sister is the ultimate example of “boys will be boys.” That gays are the true perverts for teaching America’s youth that getting up at 11 am and having brunch with each other is normal.

But mostly, the Duggars have taught me the following:

Conservatives Have Raging Hard-ons for Incest & Sexual Assault

Instead of condemning Josh Duggar for molesting five young girls, conservative warriors like Mike Huckabee are standing up for the Duggars. At least he wasn’t gay, right? Also, boys will be boys! Jesus is God! He died on the cross for Josh’s sins! Literally! He heard what Josh Duggar would do in 2,000 years, and was like, “Fucking kill me, Jesus Christ.” The guards misunderstood what he meant, and the rest is history.

Jesus Is Better Than Meth

Want a REAL high? Snort some crystal Jesus. Inject that shit right into your American veins. When you’re high on Jesus, you are invincible. Nothing you do is wrong, and you are instantly forgiven for raping children, because NO ONE WHO SAYS THEY LIKE JESUS IS A BAD PERSON, EVER.

Girls Absolutely Do Not Matter

Who cares about the victims when poor Josh lost his job? All that matters within any Good Christian Family is that the dad has a son who will carry on his name, because every Christian dad (correctly) lives in the delusion that’s he’s 14th-century royalty and people give a fuck about his last name (they do!). Especially important are the oldest sons, like Josh “Curious George” Duggar, because they can procreate first.

Projection Is Important

To get through life with a pedophile son—and more importantly to save your lucrative TV deal— it’s important to project all your and his sins onto others, like those gays shopping at World Market for elephant-shaped candlesticks. Josh isn’t a pedophile, GAYS are! Michelle Duggar doesn’t have a dead sloth on her head, LIBERALS do! Just shake off the haters!

Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate and the Duggars gonna Dugg, Dugg, Dugg, Dugg, Dugg. Pray it off! Pray it off!

Only You & Maybe a Pedophile State Trooper Can Protect Your Kids

If Josh had gone to public school, met people who weren’t one of his 400 siblings or a TLC cameraman named Rick, and learned sex was a normal no-biggie thing, who knows how many sisters he wouldn’t have molested? Public schools sure aren’t going to teach your kids that semen causes cancer, so it’s best to use a homeschool curriculum developed by an organization run by an insane 80-year-old tycoon that is accused of sexually harassing 34 women. (Once again, girls don’t matter.)

It’s Possible to Parent 18 Great Children

But not 19. Nineteen is one too many. But now we know! Thanks, Josh Duggar!

John Loos (@JohnLoosWins) is a Chicago writer and performer. Find out more about him and his upcoming Web series “Sheryl, Still Single” at johnlooscomedy.com.