Finally, A Presidential Candidate Who Cares About Out-of-Touch Billionaires Like Me

By Wilson Voleur

Well, it’s about goddamn time.

It’s about time that somebody stepped forward to challenge the outrageous “democratic” ideas of handouts, equality and public education. That somebody had the guts to publicly represent the needs and issues of 1930s silent film villain-minded individuals like me and the other top 0.1% of Americans who come to my naked bear-baiting galas.

That’s why it’s a game-changer that my ideal candidate, Donald Trump, has entered the race. There are several reasons why I am excited:

He understands that climate change is a crock of shit

Sure, what with all our summer homes and overseas champagne tasting orgies, it’s been a while since any of us super-wealthy folks have seen an honest-to-God winter firsthand. But that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally watch the news, and you know what I see? Snow! That doesn’t sound like “global warming” to me, and it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it to Trump, either.

Plus, it’s created this eyesore of windmills and solar farms popping up everywhere. How ugly! We’re talking acres and acres of prime casino and vineyard property converted into hippie electricity generators because people are afraid of burning a little oil. Back when America was great, you just dammed up a river, paid whatever local Indians to move, and made your electricity that way.

He can fix race relations

Donald Trump is one of the least racist people in America–just like me! He has black people in his employ, and I’m certain that if we scrolled through Google a few pages, we could find him shaking hands with a Latino. Yes, he’s said that he would never let a black person count his money, but would any of us? We’ve got Jews for that! I guarantee you a Donald Trump presidential cabinet would play to its racial strengths: a Jewish secretary of the treasury, a Japanese secretary of transportation, and twelve other white guys! It’s what I would do!

Finally, someone will address the economic crisis of the 1%

The millionaires of America have had their representatives for almost thirty years, starting with Reagan and leading right up to the Bachmanns and Romneys of today. But now, we at the very top of that goofy floating eyeball  pyramid (you know, the one on the dollar that we get tattooed on our chests as a rite of passage) have a candidate who understands the billionaire experience. Last year, I had to pay nearly 8% in taxable income. Eight! And this is after my accountants hid most of my money in the Cayman Islands. I know that the average American only makes maybe… 300k a year? They can’t afford high-end accountants on that kind of money, so I imagine they’re paying like, twelve, maybe even fifteen percent in taxes! No wonder they’re rioting and occupying Wall Street. Donald Trump will surely lower our taxes so that we can trickle some of that money down to the grimy bottom level of society.

And, of course, there are no jobs in this country–we can’t even employ children! I have to do all of my child labor overseas, and the factory conditions there are terrible. This is because the United States is being controlled by the lies of the liberal media. I had to visit one of my factories recently, and the tour was a forty-five minute nightmare! There was dust on my suit. I scuffed my Guccis! I had to fire 2,000 people and snort powdered rhino horn just to make myself feel better.

He’s a champion of the individual

By that, I mean to say that he’s anti-handout. Just like me! I know for a fact that I didn’t get where I’m at using government money or services. No, I took my twenty million dollar trust fund and my dad’s business and made my own way using hard work, determination, and pocketed corporate tax subsidies. Donald Trump understands that. Like me, he doesn’t want a bunch of welfare-draining lazy old people and single moms sucking the economy dry for free groceries and insulin. I mean, it’s like the guy can read my fucking mind. Except I know that he can’t, because I have silver foil lining all my clothes so that Israel and the CIA can’t turn me into some kind of Manchurian candidate.

Speaking of Manchuria, Trump’s relationship with those Chinese guys is pretty rock solid!

By Wilson Voleur, as told to Alan Linic. Alan Linic is a writer, improviser and actor in Chicago. He is currently on tour with Second City’s Mighty Mighty BlueCo and is a member of the sketch team Calamity Group. You can follow more of his writing at nomadwriting.tumblr.com or on Twitter @chain_linic.