Please Promise You’ll Skip the Whole Couples’ Costume Thing

Experts in being alone say you shouldn’t couple up with someone right before one of the big lovey-dovey holidays. Valentine’s Day and Christmas come with big fat expectations, and it’s added stress that your new relationship doesn’t need.

Also not needed: couples’ costumes at Halloween. It’s tempting for so many reasons, but please. Do the world— and yourself— and your other half— a fun-sized favor. Skip it, for so many reasons.

Human are not accessories

So…you’ve gone out a few times. Things are going great. He texts you during non-vampire hours, and your last date brought you into the “let’s stay in and cook something ethnic, so it’s more fun than regular food, and watch Mindy on Hulu” zone. Don’t push it. Yes, the fact that you’re currently dating a black fellow combined with your total dedication to the 30-Day Squat Challenge means you know can achieve the ultimate Kim ’n Kanye or Ice-T ‘n Coco.

No.

Another human is never your accessory. I don’t care that you’re hooking up with a redhead. She is not Joan Holloway. You are not Don Draper. And Joan and Don were not ever a couple, so that doesn’t even make sense.

You’re doomed

I feel so sorry for all those millions of couples that went as Chad Kroeger & Avril Lavigne or the vet & monkey from Animal Practice. Committing yourself to a couple you’re sure will stand the test of time only shows how terrible you are at foreseeing the future. Have you seen that adorable twosome around who looked so great as gender-swapped Taylor Swift & Harry Styles in 2013? No. Because last year, he went as “Guy Playing Bayonetta 2 on a Salvaged Alley Sectional” and she went as “Lady Who Tried out the Home Waxing Kit on October 31st.”

We get it; you really love each other

Conversely, if you go as one of history’s greatest couples— Antony & Cleopatra; Bey & J— you’re only bragging. “Look at us! We’re as iconic as bacon and eggs! As Brenda & Dylan!” Stop rubbing it in the faces of all the lonely losers going as regular single people stuff, like an electric socket. Or a slice of bread with jelly on it. Or Six from Blossom. And especially if you’re Jenna von Oy going as Six for Halloween, because that would be a special circle of sadness.

Stop the cycle of co-dependency

If you can’t go to a party without being dressed like a volleyball and a near-death Tom Hanks, what does that say about you? You’re a person, not an object. Go out and dress like a Sexy Pizza Rat like any self-respecting adult trick-or-treater.

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Liz Kozak (@LizKoz) is the editor-in-chief of The Second City Network.