This White Man’s Opinion of “Formation”

It’s been rough for white pop culture recently, what with the Coen brothers’ movie performing poorly at the box office and Taylor Swift still happily in a relationship. I believe it’s time to really roll up our sleeves and take ownership of somebody else’s wonderful product.

“Formation,” by Beyoncé (singer and star of Austin Powers 3), is a powerful, catchy, lovely song that really speaks to me as a straight, white man. While Ms. Sasha Fierce is clearly a strong black woman, I feel her message is for everyone, so I probably understand it better than anyone else. You see, I took a semester in a women’s studies course and have watched most of Roots.

Here is my interpretation.

The Chorus

First off, “Get into formation” is one of those excellent catch phrases that will be really easy for white people to use out of context. I can see it captioning any number of Instagram photos, whether it be Kimberly hanging out with her “squad” or a perfectly-aligned appetizer platter.

Expect to be at a bar in the very near future and hear white people screaming said phrase as they stampede to take center stage—to bravely dance along to the song without the privilege of rhythm.

The Police

There simply has to be a less hateful way to protest the shocking violence committed against black people that doesn’t include angry pleas to stop being shot. Sure, we white people love sharing photos of cops hugging black children, but surrendering to a dancing black child? That gives the kid the power. And we worked hard for that power.

Also, I didn’t understand the visual metaphor of singing on a sinking cop car, so I have to assume it’s an attack on my masculinity.

The Body Image

All that talk of “babies with afros” and “Jackson Five nostrils” almost loses the entire audience who can’t relate to that specific body image. Unlike rock songs about girls with blonde hair and blue eyes, which I think we can all agree is universal.

The Food

Beyoncé did manage to win me back by mentioning hot sauce and Red Lobster. Those are foodstuffs that I, too, have enjoyed on occasions, so clearly this song is about me.

The Outfits

Queen B is often held up as a feminist icon. Many conservatives, however, feel her message would be much stronger if she didn’t wear a variety of amazing outfits that reveal her breathtaking body. I know I have spent hours staring at her videos in anger, and that waste of time is really her fault.

A woman’s value shouldn’t be judged by her appearance, so it’s important that activists hide their beauty. To avoid this mistake in the future, Beyoncé should have someone else entirely pick out her outfits so that she can appear fully empowered.

The White People

The only mention of Caucasians in this song is the appropriation of Bill Gates, one of the whitest people in the world. This is a shame.

“Formation”’s video and lyrics make reference to a variety of crimes committed against black people. It places focus on police brutality, government neglect during Katrina and a marginalization of an entire people. None of these things would be possible without white people, so I think we deserve our due credit.

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C.J. Tuor performs with the improvised drinking thriller “Hitch*Cocktails” every Friday night at The Annoyance Theatre in Chicago.